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January 12, 2012

The Ideal Receptionist, As Imagined by the Older White Man on the Other End of the Phone
by Liz McKeon - 0

By WICF Contributor Barbara Holm

"Yeah, I do have weekend plans. And furthermore I feel totally
comfortable sharing them with a stranger."

"Oh my gosh, you got an attorney's voicemail? I cannot believe it! The
only possible explanation is that sinister wrongdoings have
transpired. Let me scour the building, nay, the world for him! No, of
course I won't put you on hold; I have a Bluetooth, sorry, sorry I
mean a magical wizard hat. I apologize for confusing you with my loud,
brassy slang. Just one second while I train this flamingo to cover the
front desk while I find your attorney, because I have nothing else to

"You're right, I do have a slight lisp. Yes, it is hilarious that you
pointed out an obvious physical handicap of mine. Hahaha!"

"Yes, it is cold outside. It's good that weather happens."

"No, I didn't just accidentally call you “Dad,” sir ... I said, “rad.”"

"I AM in fact eating something! You caught me! Now you win a prize
elephant named Albert. Yeah, I know you really wanted that prize,
otherwise why else would a stranger identify my snack consumption?"

"So, you don't know who you're calling for, you're not sure if they
have ever worked at this office, and you haven't talked with them in
40 years, but you know that he/she played golf once with an Asian man?
Yes, I know exactly of whom you speak."

"Oh, fascinating."

“Wait a minute, are you telling me that you tried to call someone and
they didn’t call you back? WHAT MADNESS IS THIS PLACE?!”

"My voice sounds too childlike? Thank you so much for telling me!
Because I have complete control over it, so obviously I appreciate any
and all constructive feedback."

"Sorry, they aren't in the office at the moment. Oh, they're expecting
you? This. Changes. Everything."

"Good afternoon, thank you for calling- oh, er, um, Barbara ... Oh
really, that's your mom's name? How interesting. Yes, I do know her.
From the Great War."

"Of course I remember you from when you called two months ago."

"Wow, thank you so much for asking how my day is going! Someone in
this miserable world does care! I am going to telegram my mother to
tell her that I do matter. Sure, we wasted a few seconds of our lives
with small talk, but I'll make that time back tonight tenfold because
I won't have to lock myself in the bathroom and cut a tiny notch in my

"No, TGIF to you, sir. TGIF to you."

Barbara Holm is a stand-up comedian from Seattle, Washington. She has performed at Bridgetown Comedy Festival, The Women in Comedy Festival, and Bumbershoot Festival. She has been described as clever, creative and unique.

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